Five Ways to Make Your Marriage More Equitable

Did you know that research shows same-sex couples tend to have happier marriages than heterosexual couples? And that, of all demographics, heterosexual women tend to express the least satisfaction with their marriages? 

One of the reasons that same-sex spouses may be happier than their heterosexual counterparts seems to be that they have more equitable relationships than mixed-gender pairs. Indeed, as a family law firm, we see many couples separate and/or divorce due to dissatisfaction with the division of labor, or other inequalities within their relationship. While it may seem petty to divorce over who does the chores, this kind of thing is often symbolic of bigger issues, such as a lack of respect and/or appreciation within a marriage. 

So, before you find yourself calling our office because your wife has filed for divorce, here are some tips on making your marriage more equitable. Note that this doesn’t mean keeping score, nor are we implying that in order to be perfect, your relationship has to be 50/50 at all times, but a marriage that is consistently unbalanced in favor of one partner is one that is doomed to fail. 

1. Communicate

Yes, it’s true that every marriage/relationship advice article includes “communicate.” When done correctly, with respect, honesty, and openness, basic communication can prevent and/or solve a lot of problems. Much marital strife is the result of a misalignment of expectations - from small things like how often the laundry should be done, to big things, like how many children you’d like to have or where you’d like to live. 

To address this, open a dialogue with your spouse to discuss your individual preferences and expectations, and review what you each contribute (and what you would like the other to contribute) to the maintenance of your household and family, and the logistics of your life together. If you need help, check out The Fair Play Deck, which makes daunting discussions about chores, child-rearing, and more, feel like a game.

Another communication rule that can improve your marriage is to ask more questions than you issue statements. Asking your spouse to share their thoughts and opinions shows that you genuinely care about and value them, and makes them feel heard. 

Perhaps most importantly, practice active listening. A lot of us spend more effort thinking about our rebuttals than we do actually paying attention to what the other person has to say, and this can lead conversations to escalate to arguments and/or cause misunderstanding. Besides, what’s the point of spending time talking things through if you’re not truly listening to what your partner is saying? 

2. Don't make your wife be the project manager of your household

Women are commonly burdened with the mental load of “project managing” their homes. You may not even know your wife is doing this, but in many male-female marriages, it’s the woman’s job to plan and organize household logistics, from making sure the kids have outfits for “spirit week” or clean clothes for soccer, to organizing appointments, ordering the groceries, and simply making sure everything that needs to get done is accounted for – and this mental load gets really heavy. While women are busy doing their half (or more) of the housework all while worrying about what else needs to happen, many husbands are happy to do chores when asked, but don’t take the initiative to do the work, nor do they contribute to the mental work of managing it all. 

So if you’ve never once thought about what to bring to your child’s friends’ birthday party, but you always show up with a wrapped gift in hand, or you can’t remember the last time you took out the trash without being asked, it’s time to step up and take on more of the mental load. Here are a few ways to do this:

• Ask your wife how you can help, and check in with her regularly about it.
• Include household management tasks in the chores you divvy up.
• Get a shared calendar and take charge of filling it in (because if she’s in charge of putting everything on it, you’re just assigning her another mental load burden).
• If there are things she does that you don’t know how to do (e.g., where to even start when picking out a present for your kid’s friend), ask her how she does them, and take notes. 

3. Make Decisions as a Team

You know those holiday car commercials where one spouse hands the other a small gift-wrapped box with a key inside, and the whole family rushes out to the driveway in their pajamas to find a shiny new car with a big red bow? What those commercials never show is the huge fight that ensues because you shouldn’t be buying something as expensive as a car without your spouse’s knowledge and agreement. In a true partnership, each person’s opinion carries the same weight, especially when it comes to making decisions that affect both partners. Sure, it may seem romantic to surprise your wife with a puppy, but it’s not wise, or fair, to do so. Refer back to point #1, and talk through the big decisions so neither of you ends up frustrated or resentful. 

4. Learn her Love Language(s), and your own

There’s been a lot of talk in recent years about the concept of “love languages.” Essentially, this is the idea that we all give and receive love in varying ways, and identifying how your partner experiences love as well as how you prefer to give and receive it, can help you both love each other “better,” improving intimacy, and reducing conflict.

There are five love languages that are most commonly recognized: words of affirmation; acts of service; gifts; quality time; and physical touch. Using your spouse’s love language(s) will make her feel understood and appreciated, and will ensure that your efforts to show affection are most impactful. Communicating how you want to be loved will make you happier, too. When both partners make a meaningful effort to use each other’s love languages, they’re showing respect for one another and committing to a more equitable relationship. 

5. Get a prenup, or a postnup

If you’re reading this, it probably means you are no longer eligible for a prenuptial agreement because you’re already married, but have you heard of a postnuptial agreement? Some people say that a prenup or postnup is “planning to fail” but the truth is, your marriage is more likely to end in divorce if you fail to plan. A prenuptial or postnuptial agreement helps you and your spouse (or soon-to-be-spouse) get on the same page so that you can make shared decisions and set expectations on a variety of important topics, from financial decisions, to life logistics, child-rearing, estate planning, pet care, and more, and doing so creates a strong foundation for a happy, long-lasting marriage. As your circumstances change, the terms of your pre/postnup can, too. 

Prenups and postnups are also useful tools for addressing certain inequalities that tend to affect women more than men. For example, one fairly common clause included in pre-/postnuptial agreements requires that if one partner leaves the workforce to raise children, the spouse who continues working outside the home will contribute to the stay-at-home-parent’s retirement fund, so that they don’t automatically lose out on years of compound interest that would leave them better off down the road. 

No marriage is perfect, but in a loving relationship, you should always strive for improvement and equality. The good news is that recognizing imbalances in your relationship, and seeking out and reading articles like this one is the first step towards making things more equitable, and subsequently increasing the overall satisfaction and intimacy in your marriage.