“Are you guys coming home for the holidays this year?” The dreaded question comes like clockwork every year.
For me and my fiancé, it’s always a touchy subject. We live nearly 2,000 miles from our hometown, and whether or not to fly home for the holidays is a dilemma we face every year. On the one hand, we miss our families, but traveling back for Christmas is expensive, and stressful. Then, there’s the question of where to stay: together at one of our parents’ homes might upset the other’s family, but staying apart feels weird (and lonely) after living together for several years. Getting a hotel seems wasteful, and then we need to rent a car, too. Whose family do we spend Christmas morning with, and which family will we eat dinner with? It’s a balancing act that can sometimes feel completely overwhelming, and if we let it, it can sap a lot of the joy out of the holidays.
While we’ve learned a lot about managing this issue year-to-year, our dilemma is far from unique: many nearlyweds and newlyweds face similar conundrums, whether their families are local or not, and figuring out where and with whom to spend the holidays is far from the only challenge couples face during this season. So, how do any of us survive the “happiest” time of the year? Our top tip: above all, put your partner and your relationship first. For more advice on surviving and thriving during this time of year, read on.
You know the questions are coming, so get ahead of it. Talk to your spouse in advance and figure out between the two of you what you want to do, even if it requires some negotiation and compromise. That way, by the time your parents call, you both know what you’re going to say to them, instead of fumbling for an answer and causing potential problems.
Most importantly, though, do what works best for the two of you, and don’t be afraid to say no, even if it means disappointing someone else. It can be tempting to just give in to pressure from others, but you and your spouse are building your own family now, and it’s healthy to set boundaries and put yourselves first.
However you decide to spend the holidays, you and your spouse must present a united front when talking to friends and family. One surefire way to build resentment all around is to blame your spouse when your parents are upset you won’t be coming over for Hannukkah festivities or attending your family’s annual Christmas Eve party. Instead, when you talk to your family and friends about holiday plans, use “we” instead of “I” statements and avoid pointing fingers.
If you don’t plan for quality time, and specifically, put it on the calendar, there’s a good chance it won’t happen, and you may end up feeling disconnected from your spouse, even lonely. There’s nothing worse than looking at your partner across the room at a holiday party or a family gathering and realizing you’ve barely seen or spoken to them.
To avoid this, block off some time on your calendars to spend together just the two of you. Make this time count by being present and intentional, whether you’ve planned a fun and festive holiday date, or are just snuggling up on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa to watch your favorite holiday movie. Put away your phones and take a mental break from meal planning, gift shopping, and thinking about your end-of-year work deadlines, and focus on simply enjoying each other’s company.
Gifts can be a big source of contention during the holidays if you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, so to avoid arguments, make a plan and align your expectations early on.
First, set budgets you both agree on. This can be as broad or as detailed as you want, whether you just set an overarching total for all gifts, or break it down and allocate a certain amount per recipient (or household). Either way, stick to your agreed-upon budget, and if you need to re-evaluate, do it together.
Once you've figured out the finances, it’s time to divvy up the gifting responsibilities. In many relationships, one partner ends up doing all the shopping and wrapping, and the other just shows up bearing the box with no idea what’s even in it. Of course, every relationship is different, so if this works for you, great, but more often than not, this arrangement causes resentment and frustration for the gifter who does the bulk of the work while the other person gets all (or at least half) the credit. Instead of heaping all the work on one partner, make a clear plan to share the labor. Consider dividing up your list of giftees, or assigning one partner to find/buy gifts and the other to wrap.
Finally, have a conversation about your own gift exchange to prevent disappointment on either side. Discuss rough budgets (after all, depending on how you’ve decided to manage your finances, you may be spending your shared money) and figure out how you want to handle shopping for and exchanging presents, whether it’s swapping wishlists, going in on experiences instead of material items, or skipping gifts altogether.
No matter how long you’ve been together, the holidays are a great opportunity to build your life to look exactly the way you want. One of the best parts? Family traditions! This is your chance to decide exactly which ones you want to practice each year, while discarding anything your family has been doing for years that you can’t stand. Remember to be open-minded about your partner’s traditions, even if they are at odds with things you are used to doing. Together, pick a few favorites to start with, and start stoking your holiday spirit!
Despite the busy schedules, family drama, and other stress that often accompanies the holidays, this time of year can be a really special and joyful season for newly married couples, especially if you’re willing to do a little bit of advance planning and preparation to help ensure things go smoothly. And if the holidays don’t go as expected, or you just aren’t feeling very merry, don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your relationship - it’s also okay to just muddle through the holidays together if that’s what you need to do.