Marriage Planning 101: How to Fight Fair

Even in the happiest of relationships, navigating life with another person comes with its challenges; arguments are inevitable, but fighting doesn’t have to be all bad - it can be healthy when done ‘correctly.’ One of the keys to a long and happy marriage is learning how to argue in a productive way when disagreements arise. So, how do you “fight fair”? Read on for our tips. 

Plan your Fights

It might sound strange to “plan your fights,” but one way to set your relationship up for success is to proactively talk things through before a fight actually arises. Discuss how each of you tend to handle arguments and come up with some basic agreements about how you will behave. (Psst, this is a great topic for that recurring marriage planning date you set). Some things to talk about: 

• Discuss whether you each prefer to take space or are uncomfortable walking away and leaving conflict unresolved temporarily. If one of you needs space and the other doesn’t, seek to figure out a middle ground - maybe a specific amount of time you’ll break for, or a place one of you will go when they need a minute instead of just angrily storming out of the house with the car keys.
• Talk about whether you each think it’s okay to go to bed angry. 
• Consider setting a “safe word” to use if either party needs a break or feels like the other person is escalating too much. 

Having ground rules gives you something to fall back on the next time you’re arguing, and understanding each other’s perspective and needs can be reassuring when you’re feeling hurt or angry. 

Admit When You're Wrong and Take Responsibility for your Actions

“I was wrong,” is not an easy thing to say, especially in the heat of the moment when you’re feeling indignant. We’ve all been in the middle of an argument when we realize maybe we aren’t the one in the right. Pride has no place in a healthy relationship. Resist the urge to dig in your heels to avoid embarrassment, and instead, acknowledge what you did wrong, take responsibility for your actions, and apologize. Continuing a fight when you could end it needlessly prolongs your spouse’s and your own suffering. Plus, in a respectful, loving relationship,* your spouse will respect you more - not less - for being honest and vulnerable, and doing so fosters a safe space and can bring you closer together.

*Note: If your partner mocks or belittles you when you say you were wrong, or holds it against you and uses it as ammo in future arguments, this can be a warning sign of emotional abuse. 

Be Intentional with Your Words

When you are wound up and angry, it’s tempting to say things you don’t mean, but while the fight will eventually end, your words can have a lasting impact on your spouse, and your relationship. When you’re arguing, make sure you think before you speak, and be mindful of the language you use. For example:  

• Avoid generalizations and hyperbolic language like “always” and “never.” Focus on the problem at hand, use specific examples if you’re citing a recurring issue, and ask for what you need rather than accusing your partner of “never” doing something. 
• Use “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard” to communicate how the issue is impacting you, instead of placing blame by using “you” statements such as “you don’t listen,” which immediately makes your partner feel defensive. 
• Don’t make threats or say things you don’t mean. It is never okay to use manipulative tactics just to hurt your partner or to “win” the fight.
• No name calling or character assassination. If you’ve reached this point, it’s time to take a break - hurling insults will never move things forward and could permanently damage your relationship.

Practice Active Listening and Ask for Clarification

In the midst of a big argument, many of us are guilty of spending more time thinking about what we want to say in rebuttal than we do actually listening to and hearing what our partner is saying. So, practicing active listening can drastically change the course of an argument. Slow down, listen closely, and ask for clarification when necessary. Restate what your partner says to make sure you understand, and focus on where your partner might be coming from – rather than thinking about what you’re going to say next. 

Reframe the Problem and Remember You are a Team

At the end of the day, you and your partner are a team. Instead of looking at your problem as you against your spouse, reframe it as you and your spouse against the problem. Instead of hurling blame, seek to enter problem-solving mode. Ask yourselves, how can we address this issue in a way that meets both of our needs? Now, you’re moving toward brainstorming and actually resolving the conflict. 

Seek Marriage Counseling

Of course, a marriage counselor is a great neutral third party to help you mediate difficult situations and come up with a resolution, but you don’t have to wait until there are problems to see a couples therapist, and in fact, you shouldn’t. Just like routine oil changes and inspections keep your car running smoothly, regular “relationship maintenance” can prevent problems, and help you learn to resolve minor issues before they become major ones. Plus, starting sessions when things are going well ensures you know exactly where to go when they aren’t.