How to Support Someone who is Experiencing Domestic Violence or Abuse

Domestic violence (“DV”) is a widespread issue, and even if you yourself have never experienced abuse from an intimate partner or family member, odds are you know someone who has (whether you’re aware of it or not). So what do you do if someone you know and love is experiencing domestic abuse or intimate partner violence (“IPV”)? Every situation is unique, but here are some ways you may be able to help.

Learn to recognize the signs of abuse

In some abusive relationships, there may be external indicators that something is amiss. Of course, every situation is different and you will not always see any outward signs of abuse, but understanding what may constitute a red flag can help you identify situations that warrant a closer look. Some things to look for include:

• Their partner is very jealous and/or possessive;
• Their partner insults them in front of other people;
• They are constantly “walking on eggshells” around their partner, or worrying about making them upset or angry;
• They often have bruises, cuts, or other marks that they can’t or won’t explain;
• They are depressed or anxious, and withdraw from friends, family, and other relationships.

Provide emotional support

One way that abusers often control their victims is by isolating them from friends and family, and victims often suffer depression and/or other mental health issues that may cause them to withdraw from relationships. Make sure your friend or loved one knows that you are on their team, and that you are there to provide emotional support. 

• Listen, but don’t judge. From the outside, leaving an abusive relationship may seem straightforward, but there are many reasons that victims can’t or won’t leave abusive situations. Offer them compassion and refrain from judging them.  

• Don’t speak poorly of their abuser. It may be tempting to speak badly about the person who has hurt your loved one, but doing so may make your friend feel they need to excuse their abuser’s behavior, or make them defensive, which could result in your loved one distancing themselves from you. Focus on your friend and keep the conversation centered on their feelings and needs instead. 
• Ask them what they need. It’s all too easy to assume we know best when it comes to our friends and loved ones, but one of the most helpful things you can do when trying to support a DV victim is to simply ask what they need. Those in DV situations often feel powerless, and the simple act of asking them how you can help gives them back agency to take control of their circumstances. 

Provide material support

Sometimes victims stay in abusive relationships because they just don’t have the means to escape. Providing material support can help empower your friend or loved one to leave the situation when they’re ready.

• Help them create a safety plan.

• Offer to store important documents or an emergency “go bag” in case they need to escape quickly. 
• Help them document instances of abuse (journal or calendar of incidents, screenshots of messages, photographs of injuries, transcripts of interactions).
• Encourage them to find and participate in activities outside of their relationship. Consider helping them find things to do, and attending events/activities with them.
• Refrain from posting about them on social media. Tagged photos and geotags can be dangerous for those dealing with abusive partners, or who have recently escaped abusive circumstances, so think twice before posting that selfie, even if you don’t think anything in the photo/caption is identifiable. 

Know your resources

It can be overwhelming trying to find help when in the midst of a crisis situation, so one way you can support your loved ones is by researching and maintaining a list of resources for victims, and by educating yourself on legal protections, best practices, bystander intervention, and other relevant topics. 

• Research national and local resources, including emergency shelters, domestic violence and sexual assault hotlines, and victim support organizations, and keep this information handy so you know where they can go if/when they need help.

• Educate yourself about the legal rights of those dealing with intimate partner violence or domestic abuse via resources like Women’s Law.
• Familiarize yourself with the process to file a restraining order (also known as a Protective Order in Maryland, or a Civil Protection Order in DC).
• Educate yourself on best practices for victims in DV situations, and for leaving an abusive relationship.  

Take care of yourself

Supporting a friend or loved one in abusive circumstances can take a toll on you, too. Protect your physical and emotional well-being, and remember that ultimately, you can’t force someone to leave an abusive situation. Practice self-care, and if you need to, set boundaries with your friend or loved one. Finally, if you think your friend’s partner may be a danger to those around them, consider making a safety plan for yourself.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, on average, it takes DV survivors seven times to leave an abusive relationship for good, but there is hope. Providing support in whatever capacity you are able can have a big impact on your loved one’s ability to stay safe, and/or escape a dangerous situation when they’re ready. 

For more information, or to discuss your specific circumstances, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE, texting “Start” to 88788, or via online chat here.