As divorce attorneys, we see a lot of high-conflict divorce cases come through our doors. One common thread among many of them? One divorcing spouse is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies.
It’s important to note that while the term “narcissist” is commonly used, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”) is a mental health disorder according to the DSM-5, and the only way to know if one party has NPD is by obtaining medical records indicating such a diagnosis. This can be difficult not only because obtaining the documentation is challenging, but also because many narcissists don’t seek diagnosis or treatment as they don’t want to admit anything is wrong or that they may have a problem.
According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder is more common in males than in females, and often manifests first during the teenage years or young adulthood. Some of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include:
Whether your partner has a formal diagnosis or not, a person with narcissistic tendencies can be very difficult to deal with, and can significantly complicate your divorce. If you’re facing a narcissist, read on for our best tips on navigating the divorce process, and emerging with your sanity intact because the only thing harder than divorcing a narcissist is staying married to one.
As you begin the divorce process, one of the best things you can do is prepare yourself - mentally, emotionally, and logistically. Divorce is never easy, but when your ex is a narcissist, the truth is that your divorce and child custody case is going to be a fight every step of the way.
Set realistic expectations and begin steeling yourself mentally and emotionally. As far as logistical preparations, you’ll want to start saving money, gather as many important documents as possible, make a safety plan (especially if there’s been domestic violence in the past), and start gathering a network of supportive friends and family.
By their very nature, narcissists are manipulative, and there are many different tactics they may employ in the course of your divorce proceedings: making false promises, gaslighting you or making you feel crazy, lying to you about what will happen in court or what your rights are, filing frivolous motions, and even using your children as pawns to hurt you. You should expect that every step of the way, your narcissistic ex will expect special treatment, try to manipulate you and others involved, and will want to “win” every battle.
For this reason, you need a good attorney. Unfortunately, because a narcissist wants to make you pay, and because they have an inherent need to “win,” they are not interested in settling. Negotiation only gives them opportunities to try and control you. Find a divorce attorney near you who has experience handling divorce cases involving narcissists to keep you clear-eyed, look out for your rights, and counteract your ex’s maneuvers.
Now that you’ve hired a great attorney, and you’ve begun reaching out to friends and family to begin building your network of emotional support, you’ll need a team of other professionals to help you through this process. Pro tip: ask your attorney for recommendations.
Narcissists get off on getting a reaction out of you, and there are few things they won’t do to provoke you - from making threats and gaslighting you, to manipulating your friends, family members, and even your children, to fighting you on meaningless terms to drive up your legal bills.
To minimize opportunities for your ex to manipulate and control you, you and your attorney will need to be strategic. When it comes to gathering documentation, start early and get as much as you can before you even separate. From there, your attorney will need to use techniques such as subpoenaing witnesses and filing for discovery to uncover other key data. When it comes to contentious child custody issues, you and your attorney will want to draft a highly specific parenting plan that addresses every detail of your coparenting structure post-divorce. This minimizes the need for contact and eliminates opportunities for arguments or manipulation. Coparenting with a narcissist can be extremely difficult, so the best setup is often a parallel parenting plan, which is a good option for high conflict parents, and limits contact.
Most importantly, keep your composure and don’t react emotionally to everything your ex does to try and make things difficult for you. Depriving a narcissist of the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you is one of the best ways to counteract their tactics.
Narcissists have a tendency to lie to everyone about everything, especially if they think it will help them get their way, and they have a special ability to make you feel like the crazy one. One of the best ways to counteract this is to document everything:
As previously mentioned, narcissists will use every opportunity to manipulate and control you, so you should limit your communication with your ex as much as possible. Avoid face-to-face interactions, and if you absolutely must see them (e.g., when you’re exchanging your kids for parenting time), bring along a witness or meet in a public place and keep things short.
When communicating with them via text message, email, or over the phone, say no to quack! Limit your conversations only to essential information, and don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Write every message like it will be read in court and talk to your ex as if you were a customer service representative – even if they try to provoke you by attacking or insulting you. It may not be nearly as satisfying in the moment, but in the long run, you’ll come out ahead.
When it comes to discussing the terms of your divorce, let your attorney do the talking. If your ex has a lawyer, your attorney will coordinate with opposing counsel. Since a narcissist will lie and make false promises if they think it will help them get their way, this is the best thing you can do to avoid getting your hopes up, and to make sure that anything they agree to is put in writing.
Finally, when co-parenting, during and/or after divorce, use co-parenting apps to document communications and limit contact to only the essential. Using an app to facilitate these conversations keeps interactions businesslike, rather than allowing emotions to escalate as they often can via text and phone calls.
There may be days when you just want to throw in the towel – you’re exhausted, exasperated, and you don’t feel like you can keep fighting this battle. This is normal, but always remember why you’re here: you’re building a better life for yourself and your children, and one day, you won’t have to deal with them anymore (or at least, the amount you have to deal with them will be significantly reduced).
At Z Family Law, we can help protect your rights when you’re up against a narcissist, so you can move forward with your life and create your new beginning - free of gaslighting and manipulation. Contact us today at (301) 388-5528 or hello@zfamilylaw.com.