Dating after Divorce: Interview with a Matchmaker

Dating after divorce can be daunting, to say the least. It’s hard to put yourself back out there, especially in a post-pandemic world of online dating, apps, and an era of “ghosting.” Z Family Law’s marketing coordinator, Skyler, sat down with Quin Woodward Pu, VIP Matchmaker at Three-Day Rule to discuss matchmaking, dating after divorce, and more. Below are some of the key takeaways from their interview. (Answers have been edited for length and clarity). 

It’s so nice to meet you, thank you for sitting down with me! Can you tell us a little about yourself?

Quin: I’ve been with Three Day Rule for five years, but I’ve been a matchmaker since I was born, even setting kids up on the playground. I lived in Washington, DC for 12 years. I recently moved to Dallas, TX, where I’m opening our network there. Three Day Rule is in about ten different cities across the nation and we’re always expanding. 

How did you get into matchmaking as a career?

Quin: Previously, I worked in advertising and marketing. I always thought I was going to go to med school, but I believe in following your heart and med school was just not the right fit. On graduation day, I told my parents I wasn’t going to med school, but was going to get a job in marketing. That was over 10 years ago, so they’ll be over that any day now! My dad is Chinese and my mom is Caucasian. They’re going on their 40th year of marriage, and their dynamic was always interesting, they had very different backgrounds. It made me really appreciate and be fascinated with relationships, so that was the beginning of it. 

It takes a lot of courage to do something like that, but it sounds like ultimately, it was really the right fit for you. So, what’s your favorite part about your job as a matchmaker? 

Quin: Being part of someone’s love story. It’s just a feeling that you can’t replace, you can’t replicate. Love, of course, is the most amazing experience in the world, but second best is helping other people find love. So, I wake up every day just feeling totally fulfilled by people trusting me with something that’s this huge, and also requires so much vulnerability.

What’s the worst part of your job, or the hardest?

Quin: My client’s heartbreaks are my heartbreaks. I feel deeply connected to my clients and when they experience disappointment, I really do feel it with them. Some things are beyond the control of even a matchmaker, like timing, chemistry and attraction, and navigating that side of relationships, of course, is challenging. That being said, I do think that there is always growth from those complexities… they always lead to growth and therefore more self-exploration, and on to a better fit. 

In any relationship, you just learn so much about yourself. So, how does the matchmaking process work?

Quin: We like to say that we go on the first date for you. We thoroughly vet candidates beyond what you’d see on a dating profile. I can talk to you about things like mannerisms, the way someone’s voice sounds, intangible things like how they treat the waitstaff. We are shameless about finding singles everywhere – a grocery store, or on an airplane – we are always growing our network of eligible singles. There’s a match for everyone. It’s just a matter of connecting them at the right time.

What kind of factors do you look for in regards to compatibility?

Quin: It is tangible and intangible, and then there’s also intuition. Ultimately, shared values and goals are essential to a relationship. We like to do a “thirty year test.” Where are you going to be in thirty years? Are the things that matter still going to be in place in thirty years? Ultimately, you need someone whose train is going the same direction along the tracks, because those are the things that matter in thirty years.

With that in mind, whether you’re going through a matchmaker or just using a dating app, what kinds of things should you include in your profile?

Quin: A dating profile is your marketing tool, so it should reflect you in your best light. Photos of you doing things that you normally would be doing, whether that’s traveling or playing a sport. You want yourself to come across. If you’re a more serious person, describe yourself as someone who is either introverted or enjoys staying in vs going out. I think people are afraid that people will eliminate some of their pool, and that’s going to happen. You will eliminate some of your pool, but ultimately, you don’t need to be dating everyone because you are not for everyone, so using the prompts many apps or just giving information about things that you enjoy, like your hobbies or passions is a great place to start. 

Two big things to avoid on dating apps: the first is negativity. And the second is lazy responses. I would encourage you to try to move the communication to a date as soon as you can so you don’t build an idea of that person in your head and then the reality is very, very different.

Something we say in marketing is: your marketing should attract people, but it should also repel people who are not a good match for you… So it sounds like it’s kind of the same thing in the dating world. That person’s not going to be a fit for you anyway, so it’s okay if you’re eliminating them.

We all like to be liked, but if someone’s not a match, it’s not a personal thing.

Obviously, it’s really scary getting back out there in the dating world, after you’ve been through a divorce. So, what’s different about dating after divorce?

Quin: Divorce is like any breakup. There’s a lot of emotion to sort through. Many people going back into the dating world are now entering a world where a lot of it is online, whereas they may have last dated when people were introduced, or you met at college. It’s a whole new world, new norms. Timelines have changed. Attention spans are getting shorter and people are moving relationships a lot more quickly, which  you really should be careful about, because you want to take it slow, be easy on yourself, see what it feels like, check in with yourself. 

Do you think someone should disclose upfront, ‘I’m divorced’ or ‘I’m a single parent?’ on their dating profile or on a first date? Do you think that’s something to get out there early?

Quin: I always say you want to lead with the truth. I don’t know if disclosing divorce online is so important these days. You know the stats on just how many people are divorced. I would say that disclosing kids is more important. For one thing, I think there’s a lot less stigma than people are realizing, and you want to attract a match for you, and not an ideal that you’re trying to come up with in your head.

Is there a specific rule about how long someone should wait after they get divorced after they begin dating?

Quin: There’s definitely no hard and fast rule. I think that that’s a personal decision, but what you don’t want to do is get to a first date and dump your baggage, because you’re not over the hurt and the trauma that a breakup can cause. Once you start trying, you’ll know, so trust your instincts, and if you go on a first date, you don’t owe anyone anything except respect…If you’re not feeling comfortable on a date, or you feel like this is too soon, you can politely bow out, excuse yourself, and that’s that. Honesty is almost always the best policy when it comes to things like that.   

I would love to hear your favorite matchmaking success story to end on a high note.

Quin: Dating after divorce can be daunting, it can be really challenging for people to feel the ability to open up again, but nothing lasts forever The trauma and the pain that you feel from a divorce, will heal and you will be able to love again and you will experience things that you never thought you could experience before. So, with that being said, I have a pretty recent one. They are both over 70, and one is widowed and one is divorced, and they live in different cities, so they enjoy traveling to different places together all the time – Colorado, New York City, California. I love the idea of people who ultimately would probably have never found each other. They weren’t the type to get online, and they’re definitely in an age group that can feel concerned that they’re never going to find love again. I mean, doesn’t that make you smile? It’s just the best story.

That’s such an inspiring and powerful reminder that, no matter what phase of your life you’re in, you have the opportunity for a new chapter and a new beginning, and you can write your own story. You always have the opportunity to start fresh.

Quin: I couldn’t agree with you more. There’s ups and downs of every relationship, but I do believe in love, and I don’t believe there’s any shortage of love. There’s always new opportunities to grow, to find love, to give love, to receive love, to show love. I love working with people in this phase because it’s inspiring, truly.

Here at Z Family Law, we’ve seen a lot of really great success stories that started with divorce. We often tell our clients, friends, family, and peers that when someone tells you that they got divorced, instead of “I’m so sorry,” you should say “Congratulations! I can’t wait to see what you do next.” There’s a lot of stigma around divorce, but the truth is that marriages don’t fail, they end, and that ending just leaves you open to create your new beginning.If you’re ready for a fresh start, you can learn more about Three Day Rule, set up a risk-free, confidential profile, and connect with a matchmaker like Quin, at https://www.threedayrule.com/signup.