Separation and divorce can be emotionally devastating experiences, even if ultimately, going your own way is for the best. It’s normal to feel listless, lost, and depressed after a big life change or loss. At Z Family Law, we often tell our clients that their divorce will be one of the hardest periods of their life, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. We know because we’ve been there. Whether you’re currently going through a separation or divorce, or you’ve recently emerged out the other side, keep reading for some tips for getting through it and back to feeling like yourself.
Marriages don’t fail, they end, and regardless of the reasons for it, the end of a marriage is still a loss. It can be tempting to throw yourself into your work or distract yourself with other things, but it’s important to process and work through your grief rather than just ignoring it or bottling it up. Grief is not linear, and some days will be harder than others. The process of mourning a marriage often mirrors the seven stages of grief, though note that the seven stages are really “seven emotions you may experience” rather than a set of steps that will happen consecutively. Acknowledge and process each feeling as it comes. Find healthy outlets for anger, sadness, and guilt, and remember that, in the long run, this is for the best, even if it doesn’t feel like it at every turn.
Separation and divorce are really hard, but there are upsides too, and appreciating your newfound freedoms will help you move forward towards building yourself a new life on your terms. Did your ex-spouse always take up more than half the bed? Spread out and take up as much space as you can or try out the other side of the mattress! If they hate onions and you love them, stock up on them and whip up some French Onion soup. You always wanted blue plates, but they insisted on white? Smash (or donate) those boring white plates and replace them with the china set of your dreams!
For many people, one of the hardest parts of a separation or divorce is the loss of routine. Humans are creatures of habit, and you and your partner likely had a normal routine you followed day in and day out. You might feel like the floor has fallen out from under you when suddenly you find yourself without them next to you as you go about your days. Instead of just falling into the same routine solo, plan a new one and stick to it!
Being intentional about setting up your new routine will make you feel empowered and will bring you comfort on the harder days.
It may sound cliche, but consider volunteering for a local food bank or animal shelter, or pick up a new hobby. It feels good to give back, and it may have been a long time since you tried something completely new to you. Signing up for a volunteer shift or enrolling in a class gives you somewhere to be, and will help you meet new people (bonus: you already have a shared interest to break the ice!). When trying out a new hobby, keep your expectations low and measure yourself based on progress, not perfection. It’s hard to be bad at something, but everyone starts somewhere. You might not master your new activity the first or second (or even hundredth) time you do it, but if you’re enjoying yourself, that counts as success!
Self-care is more than face masks and spa day, though those can be great coping mechanisms too. Self care is about reconnecting with yourself – your body, your soul, your wants, and your needs. Sometimes self care looks like setting clear boundaries with your ex-spouse, or turning on Do Not Disturb for an evening so you can disconnect from the digital world and reconnect with yourself. Journaling, meditation and exercise can also be useful forms of self-care.
One of the best things you can do in the aftermath of a divorce or other major life change is to find a therapist to help you through it. They won’t have all the answers, but having someone impartial to talk to can make a major difference in your healing. And don’t give up if the first therapist you talk to isn’t the right fit! It’s important to find a good match and that doesn’t always happen the first time around, but that doesn’t mean therapy won’t be helpful for you. And if you need more support, other resources are available too.
This period of your life after divorce can be confusing and sad, but it won’t last forever, and in time, it will get easier. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t forget that you are in control of yourself and your life, and only you get to decide what comes next for you.